| ......I... don't know how I'm supposed to feel anymore...
This time, just one year ago, I sat in front of this very monitor, in a different room of a different house, and tears of pain, sadness, and agony feel from my eyes.
And once again, I sit here, in front this very monitor, in this room of this new house, and tears, once again, fall form my eyes.
For the same reason.
But I told myself, I told myself to take the lessons I learned from my depression last year, and apply them. Yet, the moment my dad told me, I sobbed, louder than I had ever before. I cursed and blamed and hated, more so than ever, and I just realized why. I was content, which means more to me than happiness, and it was taken away. Nine months without worry and fear, I could come home and not expect the worse.
But is it really the agony and hatred toward finally having to move to Arizona? Or is it the fear that I know that I am never truly safe from change. Or perhaps that it is knowing that there is no hope in life...
I am torn. I feel as if the hands of eternity have plunged their icy daggers into my soul, and each pulled a different way. Confusion aches my head, hatred clouds my sight, pain burns my eyes. Between how I know I should feel, and how I want to feel. I know I should be strong. I should push it all away, and laugh at Fate's hideous mask, taunting it on how it could never crush my will. But a part of me, the child who went through elementary school being mocked, who went through junior high school being hated, the child wants to break down, be weak, blindly thinking that an angel will drop from the sky and save her.
A battle of head versus heart.
And you would think, me being a logos, this would be easy.
There are no tears, no smiles, no grimaces, no cheering. A vessel void of emotion, lacking the darkening abyss and the ray of hope that battled a year ago.
I have never dealt well with change, never dealt well with the future. But I know what I must do now. I could never live with myself knowing that I did not change anyone else here.
"Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in the sands of your heart."
Six months. I have six months to make a name for myself in Dublin. I don't care what it takes. I will NOT let fate destroy me, I REFUSE to allow misery to rule my life, and Heaven help anyone who dares to stop me.
I will not leave this city with out it being changed.
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